By Mary Cox
Normally I do not review horror movies because I don’t like the genre but this is the only movie we had a screening for this week. If you like a good horror movie that scares the puddin’ out of you, do NOT go see “Greta.” “Greta” is so lame it cannot be called a horror movie.
In New York City, Frances, (Chloe Grace Moretz), finds a purse on the subway. She tries to turn it into lost and found but they are closed. Against her roommates’ (Maika Monroe), advice, she returns the purse to Greta, (Academy Award Nominee Isabelle Huppert), at Greta’s home. Immediately they bond because Frances was grieving from the death of her mother a year ago and Greta missed her daughter who was in France.
All was going well until Frances opens a cabinet and finds lots of purses exactly like the one she found on the subway. Each purse has a girl’s name on it. She leaves immediately. Greta stalks Frances. She shows up at Frances’s job and creates a scene and eventually kidnaps her. Frances is saved when her roommate, Erica, finds her and they box up Greta.
The actresses try to save “Greta” but no matter how great the performances, acting cannot save a bad screenplay.
This debacle was directed by Academy Award Winner Neil Jordan known for the “Crying Game.” Ray Wright and Jordon wrote the screenplay based on the story by Wright.
The screenplay has more holes in it than a piece of Swiss Cheese. Erica goes with Frances to fill out a restraining order but when she discovers Frances is missing, she doesn’t know where Greta lives. For a restraining order they would have to have given Greta’s address. When Erica rides the subway looking for Greta, she wears a wig. A wig would not be enough of a disguise. I think Greta would recognize Erica.
Most of this film makes no sense and Greta is faster than a speeding bullet. She moves from place to place faster than is humanly possible for anyone but a woman her age could never do it
Not usually liking horror, I checked with a half dozen people who were leaving the film and they all used words like “horrible,” “ the worst movie” and “terrible” to describe this film. Do not waste your time or money going to see “Greta” if you want a good horror show.
I won’t even give this one star.
“Greta” is playing at AMC Showplace Edwardsville 12.
By Dave Kibbler
Back in the days of the Old West, trainwrecks were deliberately staged for the amusement of crowds. While “Greta” takes place in modern-day Manhattan, it most definitely qualifies in the staged-trainwreck category. It’s been many years since I’ve witnessed a movie this mind-numbingly awful.
Frances (Chloe Moretz) is a naive millenial struggling with the recent loss of her mother. She moves into an apartment of her friend (Makia Monroe). Taking the subway home from her waitressing job at a chic restaurant, Frances finds a stylish purse left behind. She returns the purse to Greta (Isabella Hupert), an overjoyed widow who strikes up a friendship with Frances. Things take a sinister turn when Frances discovers that Greta is not who she appears to be. Her attempts to end the relationship reveals Greta’s sadistic nature.
The premise of “no good deed goes unpunished” is a fine one, and there are glimmers of hope in the first act that this thriller might “right the ship” and turn out to be a solid stalker flick. No such luck. Hupert’s performance veers rapidly off the crazy scale, and while that might work in a campy farce, it is beyond absurd here. Moretz does a fine job acting with what she has to work with, which is a disaster. The plot holes in this one are big enough to fly the Death Star through. Here’s are three news flashes to writer and director Neil Jordan: cell phones now have GPS that can pinpoint their location within a few feet; 65-year-old tiny women do not possess the strength of “The Terminator”, and wigs do not make characters unrecognizable to people who have seen them before. Oh yes, and please keep track of who knows what about the villain. Might have cut 20 minutes off this forsaken piece of drivel.
Considering Jordan worked on “Interview With a Vampire” and “The Crying Game”, it is so hard to imagine that he helmed this clunker. The only film so laughably terrible that comes to mind is Lindsay Lohan’s “I Know Who Killed Me”. Stay far away from the wretched pile of drivel known as “Greta”. Zero out of 5 stars.